here i am on a tuesday night sitting in front of the computer waiting for chris to pick me up after he gets out of work. we're planning on spending some time with erin and chelsie instead of going to the clubs tonight. for some reason i'm just not in the mood this time around. maybe we'll talk, have a few drinks or shoot some pool before dragging ourselves up to the hotel suite we bought out for the night.

we'll definitely be in florida by the 26th of september just in time for jesse's promotion with the company. it's good because seeing as he's been an employee for 2 years he now gets 2 weeks paid vacation which makes it perfect time to travel and have fun. in case no one knew, jesse is chris's brother and he's been working for a construction company for, like I mentioned, 2 years now and he had not once missed a day. so his reward is a vacation which he chooses to spend with chris and i playing around in the sunshine state for a few weeks. i plan on meeting several friends while i'm down there and maybe visit the theme parks. have some fun and get out for a while.

to catch most of you up, im facing total disappointment from some or possibly all of you. i know you'll all hate me or not even know what to say. i would be speechless too. i noticed now ive been mentioning things that no one knows what i mean. so here goes. when i returned hom after my long hitchhiking-guitar playing road trip, i was in a huge mess. i know i tried to stay out of adams way but im thinking i didnt try hard enough. he got angry on several occassions where he beat the crap out of me and my siblings so much to the effect that i felt so guilty he had taken it out on them what he hated me for. i couldnt forgive myself for letting that happen because i promised i would keep my brother and sisters safe. a week went by and he kept coming back drunk and more pissed off and it became a sudden painful routine to give in to his demand and do anything he said if we wanted not to get hurt that night. so maybe i was stupid like my friends tell me. he told me to do something and i did for the sake of my siblings being safe and never getting hurt again. here's where the disbelief from all of you kicks in. im pregnant, i dont have a boyfriend, and the baby's  father is joan's fiance. they plan on getting married in january. so there you have it. think what you will. i beat myself up about it day in and day out but im not going to let that control me.

i spend plenty of time at the dance studio and at the mall with chelsie and erin and who knows maybe the friendship that i have right now with chris will get stronger and we'll become more than just friends. i sure hope so because he is an awesome guy, perfect gentleman, my true prince charming. i havent been home in almost a month since everything went down and i dont plan on returning anytime soon. but ill always have my friends, a descent place to stay, and chris by my side. as it always should be.

jackie.

long time no post i know. seeing as im pretty short on time as i write i will only say a bit: i am 3 months pregnant today and am planning to move to manhattan by the end of september. i will most likely be spending the holidays down south and really enjoy christmas this year. erin's parents agreed to loan us some money to make it down there for a few days but the rest will have to come out of our own pockets. chelsie is slowly gaining her balance back and reconsidered joining the track team for our community. michael asked jaden to be his partner at the winter fair dance and i plan to enjoy the occassion as well. im going to jersey this weekend to attend a banquet for our dance academy and then heading to long island to visit some of chris' relatives. not much more to say but when time allows me, i will post more.

jackie

hey all. i have lots of people to apologize to and explain stuff to. i know i havent been the best person lately but hopefully many of you can forgive me. a little over a month ago i decided to leave the trouble i was having at home behind and go on a road trip hoping to end up with some friends down south. as you know i had tons of stuff going on with joan, adam, kevin, kristin and meghan and was trying to come up with ways to deal with my dilemma so as no one would get really hurt. but before i could think of any plan to get out of my bad situation, a friend of mine got the authorities involved. i have to admit i hated her for that but i guess it was the right thing to do. this cop showed up at my house around 2 one day and asked if i was home. of course i wasnt the one who answered the door but rather joan. she questioned why he asked for me and he kept repeating the line "i just need to speak with her." after he kept repeating the same sentence over and over, joan eventually gave up. but at that moment when she glanced over at me for that quick second i knew she thought it was i who brought up the whole ordeal with her and adam to the police's attention. she wasnt dumb and she definitely knew what was going on. she told the officer that i wasnt home and yes i know i could have easily ran to the door and went under the protection of the department but i didnt. some people ask me why and the simple answer was that i was scared. simply terrified that time would repeat itself enough that i would yet again regret my thoughtless actions. so i stayed quiet. the officer unknowingly left her a card with his number and ext and i was still stunned as to what had happened and who had told him anything. she nodded agreeingly to him saying she would let me know he stopped by and to contact him and then suttley shut the door. i was going to cry as i was even more nervousous now as to what shed do next but i listened to my inside voice yelling for me to shut up. she gave me this awful glare of disappointment and then ripped the card up tossing it in the trash on her way into the kitchen. her mood shifted and she later became this super angry person more furious than i have ever seen her(amazingly). i kept to myself until the kids got home and when they did, she took out all her anger out on them. and that was the height of her temper. shawn had some problems with his homework and went to his mom, joan to ask for help and she flipped. she told him  " youre a good for nothing, worthless, piece of trash and should just run away before i kill you." as startled as i was i just sat there listening to joan yell all these obscene comments to her own children as they cried and just tried to take in all their mother had said to them. phrases like "you disgust me" and "dont ever think im happy with brats like you i wish none of you were ever born" and "you should all die." i was speechless by the time erika and courtney ran to me to hold them and shawn being the tough boy he was even afraid. now i didnt care. i ranted back at her not paying attention to anything from way back when in an attempt to get her quiet for a while. we had to have argued for over 20 minutes before she decided that a verbal fight was not going to solve anything and what better way to settle a disagreement than a full out war(or close to one in her eyes anyway). she began throwing things at me, breaking things, and destroying the entire house. its a good thing adam wasnt home otherwise matters could have gotten much worse. in her every effort to hit me, for the most part she missed although she succeeded at one point when she took one of courtney's ice skates and actually ended up hitting me with it. damn did that hurt. the blade on it cut me above my right eye well enough to leave a scar and a huge amount of blood. the girls were screaming and shawn ran somewhere to not see anything. i could barely see clearly out of that eye and couldnt bare the pain dont get me wrong but i forced myself to do something in order to at least protect my sisters. i grabbed the two of them and ran for the door and in joans insane run about she had a good weapon this time. within a matter of minutes between being slashed by an ice skate and running to the front door, joan had grabbed a kitchen knife and was undoubtedly trying to stab me. i dont think shed mind even a bit if she actually succeeded. with countless tries she gave up on that too. by the end of that all, i made out with several bruises not to mention that incredibly painful one and she had certain satb wounds which she accidently brought on to herself. i was leaving now and she of course threatens me. "if you leave now i will finish off and stab myself to bleed so much that ill die. and then if the cops quesion anything itll be you who takes the blame. murder isnt right you know. and what would you do?" shocked was what i was. maybe she couldnt get away with it but me being the retard i am thought it would be wiser to get back inside and try to straighten things up within. so i did. i made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and fed the kids. i got the girls bathed, dressed, and put into bed. i helped shawn with his homework and then talked him to  sleep. then i took a shower, cleansing off all gone wrong inside and out, and then cleaned up the "fight" area, vacuuming, and putting stuff back on the shelves. joan was rinsing off her cuts when adam came home around 11. he was tired, he was lazier than ever, he was upset, he was out-of-it, and he was drunk. joan tried to complain to him and tell him all I did but he just wouldnt pay attention and she refused to listen. she sits by him on the couch and just keeps rambling on the story from the afternoon hoping adam will get really upset with me and maybe beat the crap out of me i suppose. but no, i was lucky. she kept whining and getting closer to him and now, it was his turn to lose it. must have just been some crazy day. he hits her so hard in the face that she literally crashes down on the center living room table all because "she blocked the tv." and she wouldnt stop. so adam starts stomping on her telling her to shut up and how much he hated her. a little while passed and he went upstairs to make sure the kids were asleep. i should have taken several opportunities here but i didnt. i could have ran out of the house now, but i couldnt leave my siblings. i could have called the police, but i was afraid of the risk. most importantly though i could have ignored joan or even laughed at her like she did me but i didnt. i felt sorry for her and just had to prove i wasnt like her. being mean and not doing a thing would make me just as bad a person as she was and i am by far nothing close. i got the kitchen towel and soaked it with warm water before bringing it over and wiping the blood off of joans face. then i got some vinegar and poured some on her cuts and bruises trying to keep her from getting internal effects. yeah i care. apparently though she didnt and pushed me aaway every time id try to do something useful. she tried making herself look good and feel better by saying "adam loves me hes just had a bad day." she wanted to cry i knew it but she just couldnt face the fact that adam had just beat on her. supposedly that was just left for me. i really felt bad. why? she never felt anything for me. i dont know even though i was never close to her or even considered her my real mother i still had to look at her as a person in pain and that just hurt more. adam at one point saw me hovering over her trying to help her and hated that idea to the point that he pushed me out fo the way and did hit me quite a few times leaving me even more belt marks then before but then went after joan once again. what a different feeling i got from being on the spectator side. i got this really bad feeling in my stomach and was going to be sick on several occassions. ive seen blood before and adams array of woman-beating techniques(all taught on me) and felt them to disbelief but for some reason i was so nausiated by the whole scene of adam probably attemping to kill her. her screams of pain and and anguish left me with this strange emptiness when it was all over. as if i watched a horror movie and froze it in different parts. joan didnt move and he stared at me before he left for his car going to buy more beer. if only things would change. why must i be so nice. despite all that joans done to me i couldnt see her like that. i called the ambulance with little detail just "we need a doctor asap." and after hanging up, i suprisingly got really freaked out. what if....started popping into my head. i ran upstairs, grabbed my already packed suitcase, my guitar and ran out of the house straight toward the higway. i cant stay here and explain all this with fear of adam or even joan making me look like im the bad guy. no way around it im gonna go where people can help me. and when the police find me ill gladly go with them but until then, no explaination and ill be gone. i bought a plane ticket but got distracted on the way.i had no money except for the money i already used to buy the plane ticket. i saw these two homeless people, they  had  these torn up clothes and raggedy looking expressions that shone and the people walking by them either ingnored them or were truly disgusted by them. i felt a sense of inspiration and had to give them credit for what they achieved in having nothing. aside from being dirty and well sought out "shames to society" to some rich snobs, they were incredibly happy and i admired that. its funny how with just a little they could be making jokes and smiling even with the huge amounts of insults they received.  i approached them to be friendly and was almost afraid they'd resent me but they were much more friendlier than i imagined and i sat on the curb talking to them for hours.  i found out that they need $500 to make it where they want to go and they were hungry having not eaten for a little over a week. i couldnt do much for the $500 worth but i could help. i refunded my ticket in an effot to be a good human being and gave the money from it which was $178 to be exact, to the two of them stating that they could use it for food and anything they needed it for. they wanted me to take it back but i insisted i could manage on my own and that it wasnt extremely important to me. i would have had more money but when i decided to leave my home so abrubtly, i left my credit cards and only managed to grab my license, my passport, that $178 and 56 cents. ok so i had $220 or something but used most of it on the cab to get to the airport and food. so now im out fo the terminal saying goodbye to my new found friends with a guitar, some clothes, 2 forms of id, 56 cents, and no where to go. i thought about going back home but my fear of what would happen next stopped me. so i headed to the highway strip and began walking. i started walking from danbury, ct around 6pm that evening. i made it to wappingers falls, ny by 9:45pm the next day. i thought about stopping but i couldn't. i camped out in of of the strip near poughkeepsie trying not to cause too much attention. now i lost track of days. i didnt have a calendar and my watch would only go so far. now i had been walking for 2 days and i was exhausted. so i thought of the impossible. what if i hitchike? i know people think thats a bad idea but i would be careful. for half an hour i sat on the side of the highway hoping for someone to notice me and stop. i gave up, i was tired. but then to my suprise, a car stops with the most delightful driver ever. it was this 17 year old high school girl who was not very worried about anything. i assured her i wasnt a serial killer of any kind and she just laughed and said ok. she brought me as far as the ny state thruway and i was greatly appreciative. i stopped at many rest areas for some ac, restrooms, and just to relax but the managers of those places arent very friendly when you stay there too long without buying anything. so i walked to the corner outside and tried getting some money. lucky for me, my tiny suticase which i had been traveling with came equipped with my picks and tuners for my lovely guitar.  what better way to get some cash then playing some music right. well i did just that. the manage didnt like that much either but anyway i made off with almost $90.  and what did i use it on? i needed to sleep well and take a shower. i checked into the ramada inn for $45 and then the day after took a cab to manhattan with the meony left over. i got a good night's sleep, got freshened up, and was lucky enough to get a cab driver nice enough to let me slide with an IOU of $31. i made my way to grand central station after a trip down 42nd, and played my guitar and sang for most of the day. new york city is generous indeed. i made $146 after the rich snobs  left way for the moderate nicer class. i mean with those rich ones i only made $1.25 no joke. i bought a train ticket to pennsylvania off of allentown. that town isnt too open to the idea of a hitchiking loner so nothing came from that. i was able to grab a few more rides just enough to make it to maryland. i saw an ad for a local gas station looking to hire and i immediately applied. i didnt get the job because i wasnt a resident. so i grab the paper and look harder for employment temporarily just enough to give me some money for food because again i was starving. i begin to think about what was going on back home but decide to worry about that later. im on an adventure. then  i for some reason meet this guy who works at this warehouse stocking stuff and luckily enough after talking for a while i got a job just  lifting boxes and placing them on top of platforms. and at times id assit in shipping them out to manufactures. it lasted about 2 days and i earned a mere $60. i bought some food, and checked into one more hotel. that next day get a ride to virginia. now i ran out of clean clothes, im hungry again, i have no money whatsoever, and am getting back pain from carrying my guitar. good thing for my i have a friend who lives in virginia and was willing to give me a place to stay for the night. she offered to lend me money but i didnt want to seem needy at all and she wanted to give me a ride wherever but i said no because i didnt want her to know why i was going anywhere. it would lead back to the whole incident and then ruin everything i had gone through. im guilty of lying now. i told her im meeting a friend in south carolina and she agrees to drive me there. when she leaves i thank her so much and she gives me $40 to "take care" of myself. she drove 2 entire sattes just to help me out and id give my soul for her thoughtfulness. god, i love her. i manage to gain a few more rides from random cars and then buy a bus ticket to "anywhere" for $40. it took me to georgia. at this point i was one state away from florida and thought without a negative at all that id be there within a day so i let me friends done there know. i land a ride with this crazy woman who lives in tenessee and is just visiting because her husband supposedly "stole" her daughter from her. for the enter drive down to the milestone and "welcome to the sunshine state" sign, i heard her talk about how much she missed her daughter and of course i felt bad. now i needed to do something. i needed to help. i made it to florida but i had to be nice yet again. i ask her where her husband is and she says new hampshire. i ask her why shes going down to florida then and she says because theyre on vacation down here and thats the only time she gets to see her. i suggested she get a better attorney that could give her rights to see her daughter more often and she thinks itll work. of course it will. then at the spur of the moment she decides to go up to new hampshire to see her husband and discuss it with him. im confused and in an attempt to leave i thank her for the ride and wish her luck. she asks me to go with her. am i that friendly? she said its a long drive and she could sure use the company. and im just the sweetest person shes ever met. i wanted so much to say no but me being nice AGAIN agreed. so after nearly a month of traveling down south i ended up driving back up north. she offered to buy me a plane ticket if id keep her company back down to florida but it was for late july. i told her to hold off on that and id get back to her. she gave me her number and cheerfully suggested we get together some time. i agreed. being back there, up north again even not connecticut, i couldnt do it again. the whole traveling without anything alone thing. not on my own anyway. so i made my way back home dreading the outcome of that one night. it turns out that joan told the doctors and the police that she tried to take her own life, not once blaming it on adam. she said that she had said some horrible things to her children and deserved to be punished so she attempted suicide. she apparently satbbed herself repeatedly, threw herself against the walls, and later thought about hanging herself which she appropriately got ahold of a rope from the garage and held it before the ambulance arrived. she admitted that i wasnt her real daughter saying i only spend most of my time sleeping over friends' houses and stop by the house on occasion. and she said that i came in that night, got scared and called 911 and then left because i was afraid id get the blame. she had some parts right but wow did she cover for me and not to mention adam. all in all making herself look really bad. she takes depressants and goes to therapy now and hasnt really been herself but for the most part still rude to me. still not the mother she should be to her kids but thats ok seeing as her kids are getting to despise her by day. the police never came back to question me for anything and my uncle kevin and two spoiled cousins hate me because i made joan "look bad." but its her fault she lied saying she did it to herself just to cover for adam. or maybe shes just as afraid of him as i am. i cant tell for sure though. not one authority figure has questioned adam for anything either and he continues to present himself here in my home every weekend. at times he comes during the week but hes layed off the violence so to say. he still gets his moods and im still the one he takes his anger out on but im getting used to the whole thing..i think. at least until i figure out a real plan out of this anyway.  im glad he hasnt brought up that day the cops came to presumably talk about him otherwise i could be in a shit load of a mess again. maybe its better to just lie low and keep the stress off for a while. i got 6 stitches from the ice skate to my head, a revelant scar and i occassionally see blurry out of my right eye because of it. due to the traveling i did(which i failed to mention it did rain at points), my hair was extremely knotted so i decided to cut it. hence the photo to the left. i also traded in my cool conservative look for a much more unique appearance and can be seen sporting rainbow fleece bellbottoms and polka dotted tanks. i got a job at a music store(again the photo to the left) where i get to play and sort out beautiful instruments daily(trust me im happy), im in the process of fixing up my studio for my performing again, and ive restared my dance routines again. i dont have the most impressive lifestyle but for the most part, im making it. -Jackie

hey to all of you. i am officially back from my long hiatus but unfortunately unable to write much tonight. i will try though, for as much as im able to. i missed you all while i was gone and i sure hope none of you worried too much. thank you all for your lovely comments. as you can see, i changed my journal up a bit before i wrote this entry and am really hoping you all like it. i know the song is a piano piece and doesnt go too well with the new look but i didnt have time to play and convert a guitar solo into this site so bare with me and rather than my piano ensemble ill bring you the stringed version instead. if you all look to the left of my xanga you can see an interesting picture. gee, i wonder who that can be. write more later. -Jackie